Anhedonia (without pleasure)
i didn't choose this explores various points in my life where my eating disorder was triggered and became an addiction and vast impacted me and hindered my recovery and further perpuated me being un-well.
I did not choose to have an eating disorder, but at times I thought I did. I am constantly conflicted by the juxtaposing beliefs of the unfairness of being burdened by my disease because of my genetic and mental predisposition to it, and the other view that I can control it, summon it and make it disappear when ever I want. Nonetheless, that was the eating disorder trying to make it seem less intrustive and destructive.
It can have an indirect less obvious control on other things it was always blind explores how I used my eating disorder to fill my boredom, my thoughts and occupy my time. Ineeded something to create an idenity and fill up all of the emotional space and used my time, money and thoughts on food because of it.
Seeking perfection and having control of my food was helping me cope with the lack of control I had in various points in my life.Words at times can not explain how much food has an influence and , every day, every hour, is consumed by thoughts of food, calories, the taste of foods, where to buy food, where to eat it, how to eat it and how to avoid it. It is apparent to me, that not everyone can understand how deeply this consumes my existence.
This work examines the reality of the disease. Watching food videos, looking at food magazines, walking by cafes and reading restaurant menus to almost imagine the hope, the longing and the deprivation of the foods you enjoy. My head was filled with the dreams of indulging on cake and sweets but, the restriction and deprivation made me miserable. The sadness, and the void is present. The work depicts the control, and the self hatred behind denying myself the foods I truely wanted.